I Wish You'd Known
by Orasa
Summary: [death fic] Ah...I don't want to spoil it. Just read...


Title: I Wish You'd Known  
  
Author: Orasa Nekuma  
  
Warnings: Angst, blood, death, shounen ai, major tearjerker, language, flashbacks.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the show or any of the kawaii characters from it *dammit*...I'm just borrowing them, so don't sue. I also don't own the original song...which is "I Thought She Knew" by N*SYNC.  
  
Pairings: 3+4, sorta 1+2 (just read it and you'll see)  
  
Note: This was written when I was in a VERY angsty mood, so it WILL have a sad ending, and no sequel. If you don't like that kind of stuff, stop now. OK, those of you still reading this, prepare for tears...here it comes...  
  
"blah blah"=spoken words  
  
//blah blah//=thoughts  
  
{blah blah}=song lyrics  
  
**~~**~~**~~=beginning/end of flashback  
  
(1), (2), etc.=note at end  
  
  
  
I stand at his grave, staring at the headstone and trying to understand. To understand why he did it. Why he left. Above me, dark clouds roil in the sky, reflecting my emotions. There is the sharp smell of ions and the gentler scent of rain in the air, the mixture you smell just before a storm. "Didn't you know? No, of course you didn't...you were my one and only...but..." The first drops of cool rain begin to fall, feeling like needles of ice on my face. "You were all alone..."  
  
{You were my once in a lifetime;  
  
But you walked all alone.}  
  
"Oh, Koi...funny...now that you're gone...I can say it." I lower my head and the tears begin to slowly leak out of my eyes. They stream down my face, joining the rain as it soaks the still fresh dirt. "Why?!" I scream out, lifting my tear-streaked face to the sky. "Why did you have to leave?!" Lightning flashes in the distance as I scream out my pain, helping to illuminate the gravestone of my lover...the one I never confessed my love to. //Before...before I could tell you...// "I wish..." I lower my head again, and fall to my knees on the muddy ground. "I wish you'd known..."  
  
{Oh, I wish that I had told you;  
  
I wish you'd known.}  
  
"I wish I'd had the courage to tell you...how I felt...how I feel...how I love you...I loved you...the first time I saw you..." I clench my fists, grabbing mud and grass, then I raise my arms and beat my hands against the soft, rain-soaked mud. "Why?!" The lightning comes steadily closer, each flash accompanied by thunder, growing louder and louder.  
  
**~~**~~**~~ (1)  
  
I came down the stairs to see this tall guy with messed up brown hair holding a gun in a girl's face. His back was to me, but I could tell he was lean and muscular underneath his black Spandex shorts and dark green tank top. The girl was kinda preppy lookin, dressed in one of those stupid lookin school uniform things. I stared at the guy, trying to figure out why he wanted to shoot her. As I stood there, some of what he was saying drifted up to me on the breeze. "You must die! Good-bye." That was it for me. No way was I gonna let him shoot that girl, preppy and stupid looking or not. I pulled my gun and fired, knocking the guy's gun out of his hand.  
  
The guy turned and saw me, and I fell for him. Right there, at that moment, I fell in love. I know that sounds really corny, but it's true. I was in love, but I had a job to do. He was gonna shoot that girl, and he definitely didn't need to see what I was gonna do next. I re-cocked the gun, and calmly said, "You bad guys will never learn. Are you alright, lady?" Suddenly the girl turned and started screaming at me.  
  
"He was passed out on the ground! You ought to behave yourself!" She tore off a strip of sloth from her dress and started bandaging his hand, as he stared at me.  
  
"I'm the bad guy?" I asked, confused. //What the hell?! He was gonna shoot her, and now she's PROTECTING him?!?! What the f*ck is goin on here?! Oh, well...// I shrugged and started back up the stairs. "Oh, well. I guess I shouldn't stick my nose in. I've got to get to work. You guys stay there, alright?" I pulled a small box out of my pocket and pushed a button on it. I watched the guy's mouth drop open as Deathsycthe rose out of the water behind me.  
  
I smiled at the two of them, and twirled the gun around my finger before putting it up. "Heh-heh, don't ask. Say you didn't see this and I'll let you go." I reached inside Deathscythe's cockpit and pushed another button, glancing at the screen it activated with satisfaction. "I picked up this cool thing at the bottom of the ocean on my way here. I'm in a good mood today. Let's see..." I pushed a couple more buttons and smiled in approval as Deathscythe's arm came up, holding the other Gundam I'd found at the bottom of the ocean. "Ta-daa!"  
  
Suddenly, the guy GROWLED at me, and then ran straight for the other Gundam. "Hey!" I yelled, pulling out my gun again and shooting at him. //I said not to move, you bastard!! Dammit, I don't wanna have to kill you!// I got off about three shots before he was right in front of me, all three hitting, but not in vital areas. I wish I could say I was a bad shot, and that's why I didn't get him better, but I can't...I loved him...love him...too much to kill him. He stood in front of me on Deathscythe's platform, panting a little and glaring at me as I held my gun to his forehead.  
  
"I don't care about my life," he said coolly, "but you can't have that!"  
  
I yelled, "Oh, yeah?!" Then I pulled the trigger, even though he was already moving and I knew there was no way the bullet would even touch him. He jumped over onto the other Gundam's platform, and went inside. //What the hell does he think he's doing?!// Suddenly, the platform closed, and amazingly, the Gundam came to life. //Oooohhhhh...// "So, that's yours, huh?! Why don't you thank my for picking it up then, huh?!" I yelled, trying to get something, anything out of him. All I got was an attack. And f*ck, was he good. Even with four gunshot wounds, he would have probly beaten me. But then, the Aries squadron showed up, and we had to fight them, and, when it was over, he was gone.  
  
**~~**~~**~~  
  
"Even then, you were the perfect soldier..." I sigh and close my eyes, the tears still mixing with the rain to flood the ground beneath me. "You were like some big, dumb clone or somethin..." Slowly, the storm begins to pass, the lightning and thunder growing fainter.  
  
{You were the perfect soldier;  
  
Like an unfeeling clone.}  
  
"I'll never forget you, my Koi...I wish I'd had the courage to tell you..."  
  
{Whoa, I'll never, ever forget you;  
  
I wish you'd known.}  
  
"You...you were the only one I lived for...the only one I would die for..." Once more, I stare at the headstone. "Why did you have to leave me? Why does everyone have to leave me?!" Suddenly, the second wave of the storm comes in and once again, everything is filled with light and sound.  
  
{I wish you'd known my world revolved around you;  
  
My love-light burned for you so true.}  
  
"Why?" I whisper, slowly lowering my head. "Why did I hide the flame of my love? Why couldn't I tell you? It's all my fault!"  
  
{But you didn't see the flame;  
  
Only myself to blame.  
  
How I loved you.  
  
How I loved you.}  
  
I look up at the headstone again, noticing for the first time in a flash of lightning a single rose sitting beside it in a vase, overflowing with rainwater. "I...I don't know if you can hear me, Koi...if you can...I love you...I wish you were still here...I have so much to say to you...we have...so much to do...but you're gone...we'll never...do anything together....again..."  
  
{A heart full of words left unspoken.  
  
Now that you're gone;}  
  
"I would do anything, Koi...to have you back...just for a moment...just long enough to tell you..."  
  
{I'd sell my soul to have you back, unbroken.  
  
Oh, I wish you'd known.  
  
I wish you'd known.}  
  
"When you're not here...my life...is empty...I want...to be with you...I love you..." Once again, the storm slacks off, slowly turning to a gentle summer rain shower.  
  
{I wish you'd known my world revolved around you;  
  
My love-light burned for you so true.  
  
But you didn't see the flame;  
  
Only myself to blame.  
  
How I loved you.  
  
How I loved you.}  
  
"You were alone...when you died..." //Just like I'm alone...now that you're gone...//  
  
**~~**~~**~~  
  
"Message coming in."  
  
"Nani?" I flipped through the manga I was sorta reading, trying to figure out who would be sending a message now.  
  
Wufei looked up from the computer. "From Yuy."  
  
"What?!" I jumped up from the couch and ran over to the screen to see Heero's face. It was a recorded message, sent about ten minutes ago.  
  
"In five minutes, I will be self-destructing Wing to complete my mission. Ninmu Kanryou." His face faded and the screen went black as I stared at it in shock.  
  
//HEERO?! The "Perfect Soldier", self-destructing?!// "Oh, my God..." //Please, God, tell me this is a joke...// Suddenly Quatre ran into the room, followed closely by Trowa, and collapsed on the floor. "Quat!!" I yelled, running over to him. "What's wrong?" Trowa looked up at me from across the little Arabian's prone body.  
  
"It's his empathy, Duo. He..." Suddenly, Quatre opened his pain-filled, aquamarine eyes, and stared straight into my eyes.  
  
"He's...dying, Duo...aaaaaaahhh!!" He screwed his eyes shut in pain, and Trowa scooted closer to him and squeezed his hand.  
  
"Muhib (2)?" Trowa said, kneeling next to Quatre. I sat there, in shock, as Trowa tried to comfort his little lover. //Heero? Dying?? But...that...that's impossible!!// My mind was running in little frantic circles and I didn't know how to stop it. //He can't be...no, please God, no...//  
  
"NOO!!!" I screamed, not caring anymore if the whole world saw how I felt about him. I jumped up and started running around, unable to sit still. //This so CANNOT be happening!!// "He CAN'T die!!! He's Mr. Perfect Soldier!!!" //And I...love him...// The others were all looking at me in sympathy, even Mr. "You are a weak baka" Wufei. It was then I realized that they'd known all along. They knew that I loved him...why couldn't he see it? "He CAN'T die!!!!!" Suddenly, Quatre sat up, nearly all traces of pain gone from his face.  
  
"He's gone," he said softly, looking at me sympathetically.  
  
"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" I wailed, and fell to the floor in anguish. //I never told him!!// I shook with sobs as Trowa, Quatre, and even the stoic Wufei slowly embraced me, trying to help, but knowing there wasn't really anything they could do.  
  
**~~**~~**~~  
  
"Always alone...I was never there...I'll never find anyone else like you...why did you go?" Slowly, I pull out my pocketknife and slit my wrists. I hold them over his grave, letting my blood help the rain soak the ground above him. The ground that imprisons him. "I'm coming, Koi. I will tell you, when I see you again...I'm coming..." //My blood will set you free, and we'll be free together...//  
  
{You were my once in a lifetime;  
  
But you walked all alone.  
  
Whoa, I wish that I had told you;  
  
Oh, I wish you'd known.  
  
I wish you'd known, yeah.  
  
I wish you'd known.}  
  
//Ai shiteru...// As my lifeblood drains away, I lay down, facing his headstone, so I can see his name as I die. HEERO YUY. "I'm coming, Koi..." The last raindrops fall and the clouds begin to break up. As my eyes begin to glaze over, a beam of sunlight hits the grave, giving it a surreal, almost ghostly look. My hand shaking, I reach out and take the rose from the vase, clutching it in my hand as I exhale for the last time.  
  
{I wish that you'd known.}  
  
Owari  
  
OK, it's over now. *SNIFFLE* U can put away the tear-controlling devices and hopefully give me a little feedback on this. It's the first real, total angst fic I've written, so I would really appreciate hearing what all u ppl think...thanx...*walks away slowly to cry some more* *peeks back in* Oh yea, notes...here ya go...*adds the notes, then walks away, sniffling*  
  
(1)=Ok, this entire flashback comes from the manga, not the show, cuz I like the manga version   
  
better. All lines are direct quotes from the manga and all scenes are pretty much the same. The rest I made up to go with this fic.  
  
(2)=means basically the same as Koi, but in Arabic. 


End file.
